“Everyone walks around with different masks on. They have different areas of their lives that they hide… The more vulnerable that you put yourself out there, the more people you connect with. If you try to hold it in, you’re shutting yourself off from humanity.”– Johnny Venus –
Honestly I feel like fear masks itself as perfectionism in my life.
I feel like the need and desire to be right, to do right is birthed from a place of being deathly afraid of failing and making mistakes. I most definitely struggle with this and have done so for the longest time. In activities as minor as sending a text message, I find myself having to construct words so that I sound right. I find myself performing – needing everything to be ‘perfect’ before I can finally ‘present’ in the hopes that I won’t be criticised concerning anything. Because, criticism is of course – the bane of my existence. I don’t like to be told I’m wrong and as a result, I tend to prefer to work things out on my own, even leaving God out of the mix so that when I do approach Him or anyone else, I would have already ‘figured it out.’ Pride steps into the conversation. She walks across in red, 6-inch heels and holds her head up high, feeling as though there’s nothing new someone could teach or tell her. Little does she know, the next step she will take will be staggered, eventually resulting in an embarrassing fall that everyone notices.
‘That everyone notices’ – say hello to self-consciousness. She’s very different from self-awareness whose more honest and genuine in her approach but rather, she too is a byproduct of fear. She’s fear’s hyper-aware, ears-to-the-street daughter. She feeds off of other’s approval, being co-signed and accepted is what she needs to survive, to get by. It’s a vicious cycle because she wants to be an individual so badly but how the world perceives her seems to always take pre-eminence in her thoughts. She needs that validation because without it, all her hardwork and labour to be ‘perfect’ is wasted. She wants to be seen, to be praised, to be adored – but again, she’s too proud to admit that. She doesn’t want others to know she’s struggling, that she doesn’t actually know what she’s doing, that she doesn’t have it all together and so she runs – as far away as possible from where people can reach her. She’s afraid to make mistakes. She’s afraid to let people, people whom she loves and trusts and knows have no bad intentions for her – in. She’s afraid to be broken before her Maker because she doesn’t see what He sees. She doesn’t understand this mission He’s given her. She’d rather cower and be distracted by any and everything than face those things she’s most afraid of. She doesn’t want to fail, so instead she stands still.
If it’s not perfect, it’s not worth it. And if it’s not worth it, then maybe she’s worthless?
Why do you have this incessant need to have it all together?
Why in your search to be better, you don’t allow yourself start from somewhere?
Why do you allow the passion die out?
Why do you doubt?
Why don’t you want people to see the real you?
Why are you wearing a mask?
Why don’t you ask for help when you need it?
Why does it have to be perfect before you send it or else you delete it?
Why are you waiting for someone else to tell you what to do?
Why don’t you just go to His throne of grace and let Him embrace you?
Let Him teach you, guide you, lay the blueprint and speak through you?
Why are you so afraid, babe?