#TVS II: ‘Want vs. Deserve’

I’ve had to confront my wants. I’ve had to question them as well. I’ve had to question whether they came from a place of deep envy…or jealousy? (did you know they were 2 different things?? I had no idea. Jealousy denotes a fear that something one has will be taken away from them whereas Envy is linked to the idea of being discontent and hence wanting what someone else has.) 

Through these self-interrogations, I came to realise that I ‘want’ more than truly understanding what I ‘deserve.’ Many a time I’ve witnessed myself pine after things not ever once reflecting on knowing what I deserve but merely assuming I deserve what I want. I’ve wanted some toxic things in my past – a key one being the approval of people. People-pleasing ladies and gentlemen, another negative ‘Tolz-trait’ we’re working on erasing. But seriously, wanting something as dangerous as this only suggests something even more dangerous – the crazy concept that that’s all I deserve. A pat on the back from another human being who isn’t infinite or can’t determine what tomorrow brings. I tend to crave that above the approval of an omniscient God, a God who holds my future, our futures in His hands. The more I think of it, the more it truly doesn’t make sense. 

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

~ Galatians 1:10

A few weeks ago I was told in a matter of days from two separate people that I had both lost and added weight. I smile at the thought of this because these moments were proof to me at how fickle we humans are. Our opinions change as often as the wind blows. I’m finally beginning to recognise that, if you wait for the definition of what you deserve to come from someone else, you’re going to be disappointed – even with the greatest of people. You’re going to lack a sense of self-security. 

You’re going to constantly be on the edge of your seat, living on the sidelines of your life, waiting for a stage manager to call you on stage to truly enjoy the show. The wrong stage manager might I add because

knowing what you deserve is something that no one else can teach you but yourself and God.

It’s incredibly easy to allow other people’s actions to define and affect you to the point where you become a puppet on a string, unable to have mastery over your feelings. I have to warn myself repeatedly not to allow people dictate how I should feel or act. 

God has designed us in such a detailed manner, we’re woven so intricately that our feelings do come naturally and if we fail to pay enough attention to them, and allow someone else to tell us how we should feel, we’re  doing ourselves a disservice. It’s a gross injustice! We’re quite literally rejecting the heart and autonomy God has given each and every one of us. We’re saying we prefer what he’s placed in someone else and that we believe they should govern us as a result. We’re placing someone before Him. And He’s a jealous God, he won’t stand for that. 

“You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God…”

~ Exodus 20:5 

Now, this is not to suggest that we shouldn’t have positive influences/voices in our lives.  For me, my Mum is a huge one. Sometimes I literally don’t know what I’d do without her. But it’s knowing and accepting that even when she doesn’t know what to do, or when she won’t be here to guide me, there’s only one person who can help – God who through his Holy Spirit guides me through every and anything. He should be my no.1 influence and I should seek for His will and His voice through other people, not glorifying their opinion or reaction above His. 

So do your wants reflect what you deserve? Do you know what you deserve? Because all I know is that we deserve the best – the best future, the best present, the best relationships, the best expressions of love. We are deserving of this and more because that’s what His Word has said. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

~ Jeremiah 29:11 

Peace & Love,

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