So, the other day I had a lengthy conversation with one of my nearest & dearest friends whom I was blessed to have spent a whole year living with at uni. We found ourselves discussing a lot about the past – past trials, victories, mistakes, lessons…the list goes on. In the process, I shared a little bit about my story and the transformation I’ve witnessed myself experience.
The existence of this blog is hinged upon the past me. The me who was extremely timid and insecure and felt like paint on the wall. Someone who was there, but not really seen nor acknowledged. I shared some of the words I had used to describe myself in the past:
I explained how I was lacking in confidence and felt afraid to be, well – myself. She laughed as I explained this saying: “Tolz, the person you’re describing doesn’t even sound like you!” I agreed with her but only after I let her know:
that was precisely the point.
The fact that this old me is unrecognisable, even to myself is a testament to God’s work in my life. You see, sometimes I ponder as to how I am able to finally look like the most ‘me’ I’ve ever looked. To feel free to be the most Tolz I have ever been. And I realise – it can only be God.
You see, in the process of dancing towards his grace and accepting that He is for me and not against me (Romans 8:31), I asked him to hold up a mirror to me. To teach me what the term ‘self-love’ meant. To make me understand who He says I am because I simply didn’t know. But I wanted to. I wanted to love this woman He says He loves so much (John 3:16). I wanted to understand why and how He could possibly say ‘there is no flaw in me’ (Songs of Solomon 4:7). And when I finally began to, that’s when everything changed.
There is no magical formula to developing a sense of confidence or love for yourself.
It comes from simply believing, having faith that the reflection of yourself that God holds up to you, is you. The real you and that he or she is absolutely stunning. It’s in deciding daily to choose to see that person, regardless of what your flesh or feelings may tell you. It’s in amplifying those things you do like/enjoy about yourself and doing so unabashedly and freely. It’s in working on those things you don’t really like and doing so by firstly surrendering it to the Holy Spirit asking him to teach you how to love them as well!
“But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.”John 14:26 NLT
Self-confidence and self-love are a daily decision.
Decisions which can only occur through focusing on what God has to say about you, because His words hold water and cannot be disputed. (Isaiah 55:11) They just are. They have power. They transform. I was transformed and I continue to be transformed by His words. They are an anchor to my soul and are precisely what keeps me sane. I can look at the new me, and love her and really see just how much of an amazing person she is all because of that voice which professed it first.
My beloved spoke and said to me,Songs of Solomon 2:10
“Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, come with me.
He calls me beautiful. He calls you beautiful.
Let’s do each other favour.
Let’s actually choose to believe it.
So, today’s ‘sound’ is in the form of a podcast. It’s one I was blessed to feature in a while ago as part of my amazing friend’s ‘Letting Go’ series. I chose to speak on how I let go (and have continued letting go) of ‘Fear and Insecurities’. In the process, I was able to shed light on my story and journey in its entirety.
I’ve found that whenever I am feeling low, it really helps to remind myself of how far God has brought me and how I truly fought to become the woman I am today. It helps that I have things like this to refer to. So honestly, I encourage y’all to read your old journals, blogposts, things you’ve uttered with your own lips and allow the Holy Spirit remind you of how far you’ve come and that the you today is a better, stronger, more radiant version – even if you don’t feel it. The fact that you are alive and breathing is proof that what was meant to break you didn’t and if anything, God will use it ALL for your good (Genesis 50:20) – because that’s just how BOMB he truly is.
I pray you are blessed as you listen:
Listen to the entire series here:
Sending peace & love (always),