Vulnerability in real time is hard.– Tolu Karunwi
I’ve noticed that I’m able to speak about things more confidently upon hindsight and I can create this whole sermon about how I learnt this and how I learnt that. But being open, truly open about something you’re currently going through, giving live reports, offering that breaking news – is possibly the most difficult thing for me.
I think I thrive on people assuming I’m perfect or at least that I’m ‘good’ and nothing bad is going on. I think that’s a comfortable place to be for me because in that place, no further questions are asked. I no longer feel like a witness on a stand being cross-examined. I guess that explains why sometimes my responses sound rehearsed, robotic because truthfully they are. I know what to say, I know what people want to hear (or at least what I think they want to hear) and I refuse to derail from that.
However I’m finding that despite creating a platform called ‘Let’s Be Frank’, I have become the world’s biggest hypocrite! I fear human connection sometimes, true human connection because it exposes you. True friendship has a way of stripping you naked cause I mean that’s how God designed it.
“Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.”Genesis 2:25 NLT
Yet I anticipate the shame I believe I will feel if I’m being real, in REAL TIME and decide to run. Run as fast as I can from a conversation, dead the issue and never resume it. It’s funny because as someone who prides herself in loving DMC’s with people,
it’s like I don’t go deep enough with myself first and foremost to even have a chance of going deep enough with another person.
The Holy Spirit really had to caution me the other day, to think deeper into why I hadn’t reached out to certain people for help as I was practising this spoken word piece I was dreading to perform. He forced me to deep why with even the people I did reach out to, I needed to ‘perfect’ things before having them listen. You see, I’m afraid of people being a witness to my process. I’d rather them see the end product and be in awe and would rather not invite them into the messy, tears-infested, anxiety-ridden process because I dunno, I feel maybe it will be too overwhelming, too much to handle that they just bow out or that I’m being extra and taking up time and space in someone’s life when they’ve got their own shit going on. I don’t ask for help. I don’t like asking for help, even when 99.9% of the time I know I need it.
This isn’t healthy.
I’m learning that to truly benefit from the beautiful relationships I’ve been blessed to forge, to truly be blessed to be a blessing and experience an outpour of love from others as I pour out love to them is to just stop thinking. Stop thinking and working through things by yourself. Share your thoughts with the Holy Spirit, let Him guide you to whom He desires to be your helper in that moment
“The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone.'”Genesis 2:18 NIV
Isolation is dangerous and deadly. It’s an addictive drug which I’m truly trying to wean myself off of. I’m trying to let people in on my process no matter how ugly it might be because that to me, is how true vulnerability can be achieved. It’s not just talking about, ‘this is how I felt‘ but ‘this is how I feel‘ can be all the more powerful. Because it’s not about relying on that person to give you answers (as only God truly can) but it’s trusting that the God in them, the Holy Spirit at work in them, the same spirit who led you to speak to them will give you what you need in that moment through them.
I need to trust more. I need to not ignore my flaws. I need to not neglect the people in my life. And open up in real time.
So help me God.