I Need You To Know How Much I Love You

 You took the time and effort to get to know me
My heart 
My mind 
My thoughts 
My behavioural patterns 
My body 
My actions 
You get me, exactly how I need to be - Gotten 
Exactly how I need to be sought and 
You love me. 
You LOVE me. 

Me? 
A little girl searching for her identity 
Trying to understand why I flee 
Why I run 
Why I’m scared to be vulnerable 
Cause I don’t like my own thoughts 
I don’t like my actions and how they make me react and 
I don’t always like me 
I’m disappointed in me

But you? 
You are great, infinite, mighty, wise, kind
all of that and more intertwined 
You made me bold with strength in my soul 
David’s words not mine
but it’s the same spirit he experienced
flooding through his spine, 
tingling in his fingers 
inspiring him to write 
That does the same for mine 
You know my thoughts before I think them 
You envelope me with your protection 
Surrounded, engulfed, overwhelmed 
By your love 

This love that truly doesn’t make sense 
It’s too much 
It’s pure 
It’s forgiving 
It’s you 

Why are you always trying to skip ahead? 
You head, you mind of mine? 
Why can’t you just stop 
And see that you are fine 
Cause Christ calls you ‘mine’ 
He’s mined and searched and dug all night 
An actual excavation 
A lifetime’s worth of preservation 
Is where my secrets and iniquity lie

Yet you take the time 
You choose to have the time 
To mine and search and dig up my mind 
Layer by layer 
Thought by thought 
Wave by wave 
Transmission by transmission 
Each one handled with such precision 

I have a vision of you 
Tired and worn out 
in that ditch 
I create daily, 
those situations I can’t explain 
But you keep going 
The job isn’t done until my soul is won 
Over and over again 

You touch me and everything feels okay again 
Suddenly I can breathe again 
I can see again 
The mud and saliva 
All mixed to establish my survival 

This intimacy is like none other 
No one gets us 
Our relationship is the only one I can trust 
The only one I can thrust myself into 
Wholeheartedly 

Because even when I don’t ‘feel’ like it 
Even when I’d rather curl up in my bed and cry 
You look me in the eye 
And say: ‘baby girl, it’s time’ 
 time we talk this out 
Time we sort this out 
Time we remove the doubt 

Let’s be honest 
Let’s be free 
Let’s be naked 
Shall we? 

In my lowest of lows 
In my highest of highs 
You are there, you are kind 
I can’t hide 
I won’t thrive 
Without you by my side 
Without you in my mind 
Without you in my sight 
Without you as my light 

Even when I will bad things 
You are there to spin them 
Into goodness 
Into what you say I deserve 
You see it all 
You want it all 
As dirty and sour as it all is 
As confused as I am 
As stupid as I feel 

Is this really what is making me feel? 
I want to be stone cold 
I don’t wanna have blisters 
I don’t wanna mould fear to be my crutch 
But it sucks 
Because that seems to be what’s stuck 
All my life 
Scared and afraid of the night 
Afraid I’ll be the reason for my own demise  

‘What’s good about this day?’ 
I struggle to articulate 
I struggle to be that sunshine everyone seems to hail 
‘You’re so full of joy, so positive’ 
Sometimes I feel the opposite 
And then it makes me positive 
That maybe I’m not okay 
Maybe my smile is fake 
Maybe the pain is the only thing that feels  safe 

I try to put the lights off 
But you’ve kept them on 
Permanently 
I can’t even try to be 
Depressed 

As hard as I try 
Because you’ve given me something 
You’ve given me life 
With you 
And we will live happily ever after 
Because you are my rafter in the storm 
You are my ice lolly when it’s warm 
You are my anchor when I swarm and sway 

Influenced by the waves 
My thoughts that come in various shades 
Some dark 
Some light 
Some just so bad I can’t even begin to highlight 
It’s all the same to you 
Thoughts you want to know 
Thoughts you will hold in your hands 
And transform to feel like peace 
No matter my plan 
Cause yours is better 
(I can finally admit) 

I think I know my body 
But I still learn new things 
As I grow daily 
But you made me 
So you know how things work 
How they operate 
How they were formed 
Your factory is intense man 
Making us humans so complex man
Yet our complexity still reeks of simplicity to you 
Our ways not your ways 
Thoughts ? Nah, they’re not yours 

Extraordinary 
Extra: we’re to be boasted about 
Ordinary: we’re nothing without you 
Your favourite creation 
You saw us and were extremely happy 
Wow, I make you that happy? 
Who is me? 
Who am I? 
Just a little child 
That still yearns to be by your side. 
 

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