Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:18-20
So the confidence I feel in writing this could ONLY be God. Because mate, when I tell you that knowing that this would have to be a topic I’d have to discuss upon gaining the inspiration to write this series, I was petrified. I was like, “Tolz are you really gonna bear your soul? And let people know about one of the greatest struggles you’ve had for the past 14 years of your life?” Of course my answer was always..NAAAAH – ‘ain’t nobody’s business but me and my bawdyyy’ (LMAO – peep my amazing remix guys, I’m talented forgeeeet. I digress, I digress) I can’t lie, it actually made me run and is probably without me even realising one of the reasons why this platform almost went defunct – LOL.
BUT…..The Holy Spirit would not allow me to waste my talents. Hence, I am here typing with so much vigour about my struggles with Sexual Sin.
What I realised, was that I was lacking that freedom in how I write on this platform due to my inability to vocalise this struggle and let you in on an area that was a stronghold in my life for so long. But in Jesus Christ there is F R E E D O M.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh , but according to the Spirit – Romans 8:1
So let’s begin.
I was 7 years old, when I masturbated for the first time. I know it came from this desire to be loved because every TV show I watched at the time had a common theme. Love was portrayed through Sex – simple and short. Even now that I have a better understanding of what Love truly means, I noticed in my favourite TV show – ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ that having ‘sex’ specifically pre-marital sex was this monumental moment that solidified the next stage or step to a relationship or even is what laid the foundation for a relationship -I mean Derek & Meredith’s big love story started with a one night stand – need I say more? (PS: This is not a spoiler, if you watch the pilot this is legit the first scene you encounter. I would never spoil Grey’s for you, that’s how much I love y’all 😘)
Now this is not at all an opportunity for me to look down on what anyone chooses to do as an expression of their love but rather an opportunity for me to share why I fell into sexual sin. Because I was exposed to so much sex on tv, and equated Love with Sex, my understanding of the word was misconstrued. And at that age I felt all the guys that I liked didn’t like me back (LMAO) so I resorted to l
I had confused love with lust from a young age.
You see, because I am born of Christ and I had made that decision for Christ to enter my heart at a really young age (I remember the day, the scenario everything, I was about 3) the Devil had no power over me. All he could do was to drop this problem, distracting me from really experiencing an authentic relationship with Jesus Christ and in doing so laugh as the collateral damage held me down for 14 years of my existence.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. – John 10:10
Sidenote: I absolutely LOVE that he is referred to as the ‘thief’ in that verse because that’s what he does – steals our joy, steals our sanity, kills our hope, kills our motivation, destroys our souls & minds. He promises nothing good.
So, that’s how the problem was birthed. Along the way, the issue worsened with an addiction to pornography becoming another scar I left hidden for a while. All of this was then fuelled by more lust as I grew older, as I experienced puberty as my cute ‘crush’ for a guy turned into problematic lustful thoughts. And then the worst of it all,
I was left in a permanent place of fear.
Fear that I’d be found out, Fear that God would never ever forgive me, Fear that He didn’t even hear my voice anymore and that I was a broken record to Him.
I remember my heart beating with so much anxiety whenever we discussed during family devotions about how everything here on earth would be revealed in heaven. I began to see a screen of just guilt being presented to my Lord and Saviour and to all that loved and knew me and it ate me up inside.
“For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.” – Luke 8:17 NLT
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.” – Hebrews 4:13 NLT
So I had to make a choice. Did I want to live in guilt all my life? Did I want to hold my breath all my life? Or did I want to walk freely, unashamed about my past mistakes – even my present mistakes? Did I want to truly accept God FULLY into my life and watch him do what only He can do in full effect?
I chose the latter. And that choice came slowly, and I mean S L O W L Y. I think the first time I was able to discuss it, it was still done in fear. I wrote my Mum a letter detailing all I was struggling with. Her encouragement meant the world to me but I still was half-hearted in my approach. A one-leg-in, one-leg-out type of sitch.
But the main thing I felt secure in after speaking to my Mother was the fact that she pointed out that me feeling this level of guilt meant that subconsciously my body was rejecting it. I truly believe my body is a temple of God and so it could not sit and withstand such violations. This was something I was grateful for because no matter how many blogposts I read that stated it was an example of female empowerment or that it was actually medically proven to be healthy – I was not okay with it. God created me in His image and therefore I am spirit first and sexual sin was glorifying and sustaining my flesh moreso than my spirit.
So get rid of every filthy habit and all wicked conduct. Submit to God and accept the word that he plants in your hearts, which is able to save you. – James 1:21
And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. – Galatians 5:24
Years late I spoke to my close friends about it and expressed it was an issue. That also was part of the relief. I spoke to some more close friends, my sister, another close friend…and slowly and surely
the more I spoke, the more I released myself from the chains the devil had me stranded in.
The more I could see that God just wanted me to come to Him – just as I was. He wasn’t waiting for me to purify myself and make myself the perfect woman. He wanted me and still wants me – flaws & all.
So I began to believe it. I began to slowly be able to disclose all details of how I was struggling with the Holy Spirit. I had faith He was listening and I opened my mouth to cry, drool, and simply speak on various occasions. I had to admit that I am imperfect, that I am a sinner that I needed Him to work on me from the inside out so that I could truly achieve that happiness I was seeking, so I could achieve that self-love I was seeking so that I could achieve that validation I was seeking.
Once I did this (and still continue to do this) on various occasions, I was given a comfort I had never experienced before.
I asked for happiness and I received JOY.
I asked for self-love and I received GOD-FIDENCE.
I asked for validation and I received ACCEPTANCE.
I was made to see that this struggle was not a part of me I wanted to conceal anymore. It was something that I had to experience to understand that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God but that despite that, despite what you do or what you say or who people think you are – God still loves us. He loves us SO much that he gave up his only son – his most precious son, to die a brutal death for us on that cross and cancel out all these sins so we could begin again. So we could be free and live the most wholesome lives. So we could invite others to experience his love and transformative power over their lives as well.
Now this struggle is ongoing. But the difference is that I am coming to accept every single week that it is not by my power nor by my might that I am able to overcome. But rather:
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. – Philippians 2:13
I am a work in progress.
I am his clay and He is the potter. I am that (In)Complete Clay – not made perfect just yet but perfected every single second of the day because of His love and because I have chosen to fully accept this love. This pure, never-ending, overwhelming, reckless love of God.
So this has been my struggle. But I have been freed. And I believe anyone reading this who might relate and might be scared that they relate should know one thing.
JESUS LOVES YOU. SO MUCH. LIKE A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF LOVE IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. HE JUST WANTS TO HUG YOU AND TELL YOU IT’S OKAY AND HE ACCEPTS YOU. HE DOESN’T JUDGE YOU. AND HE WANTS YOU – JUST AS YOU ARE.
If you would like some tips on how I’ve been able to slowly overcome in more detail, you can find it here.
‘I Am’ by Kirk Franklin: This song’s lyrics really lets you know you’re not alone. But that it is God who transforms you and creates in you a pure heart acceptable to Him.
God bless you as you listen!
Peace & Love,