#ICS 2: SELF-DOUBT

‘Ughhhh, why am I so socially awkward?’ ‘I swear, I overthink EVERYTHING.’  ~ Classic Tolz

This took ages for me to actually sit down and write. I think it’s because I am currently in a season where I am fighting endlessly to rid myself of this doubt that crept into my life and made itself comfortable for as long as I can remember. This blog was birthed out of it.

That sense of self-deprecation that’s so loud, it blocks out any sense of belief in oneself.

Yup, definitely I’ve struggled and still struggle with. For some reason, I have always found it easier to feel invisible and though I’d claim I had a fear of being forgotten, I was actively making myself forgettable. Dumming down my successes, walking with my head down so as not to make myself too identifiable. I blamed it on the fact that, ‘well, I’ve always been like deathly shy and timid’ and it was almost like a protective mask I wore so that no one would know the truth that lay behind it. But the truth is, I am tired of wearing the mask because it is affecting me from enjoying full perception on things, on everything.

Recently, I moved to Rome and let me tell you – doing that ‘new kid’ thing all over again against a foreign backdrop was something I really had not thought about well enough. I forgot about how difficult it would be to get out of my thoughts that were telling me, ‘damn Tolz why are you so awkward’ and to just live and be myself. I forgot how difficult it would be to heed to God’s voice when he encouraged me to speak – and louder so the people in the back could hear. I forgot how difficult it would be to not be afraid of people, because they aren’t out to get you and 99.9% of the time are really simply interested to get to know you. I’d forgotten, I keep forgetting but I will not forget anymore.

I will live. 

I will soar on wings like eagles. 

I will be the best version of Tolz. 

Now, mind you – as I type this, I have Kanye West’s ‘All of the Lights’ instrumental playing in my head cause that song just makes me feel invincible and I’m doing the Amelia stance:

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But come tomorrow, I already know the pep talk I’m going to give myself as I step into my International Business Contracts class – ‘You is smart, You is kind, You is important’ and the likes. It’s a daily battle, but the battle is not mine, it’s the Lord’s. Because without God, I would’ve crumbled and hidden in my hole for a long time. Without God, I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy spontaneous edifying conversations with the various amazing people I’ve met here thus far. Without God, none of it would have been possible.

Self-doubt is a lethal weapon.

It leads to a slow death where you can’t even acknowledge nor recognise who it is that stares back at you in the mirror. This is precisely why my constant prayer is for God to hold his mirror up to me & show me who he sees me as. Because like I said, I forget. I forget that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I forget that my interests and passions and behavioural traits and personality are just as valid and bubbly and exciting as his or hers. I forget that there is a time for everything – and sometimes, it is alright to be silent. The void does not have to be filled with spews of randomness. I can and should get comfortable with a lack of noise. I can and should talk to that person and laugh my way through the initial discomfort.

I tell you, talking to people as much as it can be one of my favourite things it also can turn out to be my least favourite. I always wonder myself – are other people really sifting through their thoughts and words in this much detail? Because I swear they aren’t, I swear it’s just me and I’m simply crazy. But I know someone out there reading this can relate and for you whose seeing yourself through every word I’ve written I want to let you know that you are allowed to breathe. That insecurity you feel about social scenarios and ‘what would happen here?’, ‘what should happen?’, ‘why does she find it so easy to speak to guys?’ ‘why am I so weird & nervous about everything?’ It goes away. But only if you stop giving it the power you have done already. Because that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been professing these negative affirmations over myself, ‘coming to terms’ with the fact that ‘I’m just an awkward person.’ These are lies the Devil feeds to keep us stifled. To keep us stagnant in a place where we can’t move forward and we feel like that’s the end all.

Well, Devil – I REFUSE. I am not your little project, I am not your playground you can have a little fun with. I am a Child of God whose purpose and worth and validation comes from Him and Him alone.

Self-Doubt, it’s been real but, I no longer am I slave to you.

 “Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth.” ~ Jeremiah 1:9

A journey not a race, 

Tolz 

xo

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